What AM I doing with MY LIFE?

Well, I feel like I’m on a roll, I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life. I’ve simply begun existing in a whole other format.

Not depressed and suicidal but not living. I had about a week feeling revived off the complications of Topamax, now it’s just lil’ ol me again. Feeling stuck.

Existing not living for how many days now, in the drink, enmeshed with the internet, now I’m just thinking, man what a loser. I need to get onto or into or on top of, I dunno anything else, otherwise I have no doubt I’ll be eating depressions gloomy ass soon enough.

Eating shit food, tired all the time, drinking too much, smoking. Just waiting for myself to mature, any day now, but apparently I’m going to have to give myself that push without any internal help.

I only work weekends and I’ve missed just as much as I’ve attended… drinking. Like I don’t wanna go to school, fuck, grow up.

While I’m existing, laying in my bed, like a patient of life’s circumstances, totally engulfed either in sleep or on my phone, reading fucking cracked.com articles. Ahhh tuning up the ol’ brain.

Forgot how much I loved that site, but then I came across… groan. This article, fully depicting me, and how I feel about myself at this moment, when I’m pulling my existing shit. Reminding me what a useless tool I am… fucking cracked.com and their reality bummer’s. Makes me wish I still smoke weed and I’d eat some junk food, hit the bed and forget all about it in the morning.

This is the article http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

I’d already brought it up to my outreach worker, I need to start or get on some kind of course\class\schooling, something. So I can see my chamber maiding as a means to an end, not the end.

I used to do administration, but never took any of the courses. I just got my foot in the door but the reality is, I milked the title. I can get in to positions by word of mouth, through friends, lucky me. But the reality is I don’t have the skills, educations or qualifications.

And now, all out of rehab looking to start over, which sucks donkey dick. I am lying like a douche bag to all sorts of people. Asking what I used to do and how I’m making it by, you know, only working two days a week. But saying that I’ve been really drunk for the last how many years, got out of rehab about three months ago and I’m barely making it by because I’m on disability… Well it raises a lot of questions, a lot of red flags. So I lie.

And I feel stupid and hate doing it, like they can see through me, for all I know they know someone I know, and know I’m lying, it’s a small town. But fuck if I want to reminisce on how shitty my personal life has been, especially with people I’m not close with or who I need something from, such as a job.

My parents said to ‘ be honest’. And man I’d love to believe we live in a world where mental illness and addiction don’t hold the stigma of a bitch in heat, but if the employer has to choose hiring someone without these issues vs with them, which do you think they’ll employ?

Anyways, I do intend to look at this new beginning in good terms, calling it starting over sounds like work, so new beginning gets me a little more exciting, as exciting as a dysthymicaly depressed chick gets. But I do enjoy learning, it’s just doing anything with set education. But we’ll embark that train when we get there.

First and foremost, I just need to do something anything with my fucking life. Give me something to feel pride about, know that this is all going somewhere. Get that pumped up feeling of despite all these hurdles, I’m a do some shit, Hoo Rahh!

No fuck I dunno.

Sounds like a lot of work. See where if anywhere this train of thought goes.

I’m fucked.

 

 

Oh Therapy How you Pissed me Off

My therapy session yesterday was shit, totally shit. It was the first appointment I had being in this estate of mind I was in which I was basically fuck everything, so I get I was a challenge, but he was less than helpful, I left hating myself more than when I walked in.

Giving me the ‘choices’ spiel, I know, I know every act is a choice, but it was almost as though he was dismissing my mental health and my issues with addiction, like it was as simple as saying, I’m going to be happy today and I won’t use. So i left feeling pissed off and hating myself, if it’s THAT easy, well than I really am a failure and a piece of shit, because I feel it totally overcomes me and my mind and then I fight and I fight and I can win or lose, it’s not a simple choice, but then he brought up me wallowing as well, like what the fuck. He told me when Im having cravings to do some sit ups, get the blood flowing, okay? I still have the obsession of mind. I equate it too when I was a teenager and had fits of uncontrollable rage and my mom telling me to count to ten and punch a pillow, but it’s like when you’re seeing red, your too far gone for those preliminary steps, I need someone to fucking physically hold me back or hold me down, it to me feels out of my hands. So if it’s just a I will or I won’t well fuck me.

He says Im living out my ‘ life script’ to a ‘T’ and ‘self sabotaging’ myself, and I am the lead actress. I felt as though he were saying this is all an act, there’s no feelings behind it, the mind isn’t actually obsessing, the mind isn’t actually going up and down it’s just me being an actress, so I was fucking pissed off.

I discussed my suicidal ideation, saying he didn’t think I’d go throw with it because I wouldn’t do what my biological mother did to me to my daughter, sober he’s absolutely right. Drunk, well he has no idea.

Luckily I saw my outreach worker right after and she brought me down a level or two. Validated my struggle, I don’t need pity but don’t fucking tell me it’s an easy choice, my days are spent fighting with myself, it’s not an I will and I do, or I won’t and I don’t situation, mother fucker.

She was luckily somewhat helpful and talked about me maybe not seeing him, but I’m running out of people I can see, and we’ve been doing good until this last session and maybe I just don’t understand this life script shit, I just didn’t like being referred too as an actress. I wanted to walk right the fuck out, like live a day in my shoes dick head, tell me you can drop down and do some push ups and drink some water and suddenly your free of obsessions and mental anguish. She offered to talk to him but I declined, I’ll see where this goes, and express my upset myself at our next appointment, see if maybe he can clarify or if this is legitimately what he means.

He gave me homework, ‘ what my NEW life script would look like’ and I said, it’s really hard when you’re in a state of depression to do that, so he suggested I ask my daughter, she’d have a good idea of what mommy could do to be better, I was like ok.

I did my assignment as soon as I got home, pissed the fuck off, and started with basically everything I just said, how I felt pissed off. Than I asked my daughter what mommy could do to be a better mommy and she said be more playful and do more crafts, and asked why I was writing this down ? made me feel kind of bad, but I suppose she could have said worst things. And than I did the rest of my assignment which I feel he’d basically gave to me before but in a different context. My perfect looking future.

Anyways so in my anger at my therapist it was cool to come across this post ‘ A Article That Could Be Usefull To Someone In Therapy ‘(credit to theramblingsofadiscouragedborderline , awesome post) . I’m not saying he’s horrible, all our session have been good, just yesterday, when I felt just angry, irritable, frustrated, pissed off. He gave me the least validation and challenged me the most, and was basically like well what do you want from me?

I don’t know, a reason to keep going, a little understanding? Am I not to go to therapy when I’m most depressed ?

I’ve researched this ‘script therapy’  and ‘ narrative therapy’ which he brought up and I’m feeling more comfortable, that maybe his wording was just really shitty, but to a degree I think he meant for it to be. It is a legitimate therapeutic process and it doesn’t suggest that the client is faking or just an actress and all the thoughts and feelings are fake, so I’m taking a step back, but I will let him know how through my homework how I felt. My outreach worker also suggested he might be trying to push me faster than I’m ready to go, like trying to turn all these negatives into positives, well that’s not just going to happen, you can call it a script or whatever, I’ve learned this as a protective mechanism I’m not going to suddenly become super trusting and positive magically.

Anyways that’s my rant.

Into the Night

I fucked up, and not just oops I tripped over a few beers last night, I went full retard like tumbling bricks. And how horrible through all the drama, I still found fun in the ridiculousness of it all.

Beautifully enough the day started with me intending on going to AA last night 8 o’clock ‘ if I could make it’, I did not make it, not even close. I did the days deeds and by 1 o’clock had fulfilled my duties and my idle hands awaited me. My daughter was off for a night with the grandparents and my lover the bottle and I were instantly united, sick fucks.

I ran off, drinking with a couple of friends innocently enough I suppose when I got a text from another friend, and right there it was on. I haven’t been out since I can’t remember, I don’t generally go to bars and when I do its never good. I was already half past pissed when we got there and the shenanigans commenced. All the emotions came flooding, subconsciously knowing I shouldn’t have been there, yet looking around and thinking everyone here’s a fucking alcoholic come on!

I got there with my friend and her sister, where their parents were and later our guy friend buddy joined. My friends mom started giving me advice,I respectfully listened but fuck she is a HUGE drunk and it is known, and not once did she reference herself but spoke of her ‘ boyfriend’ who has this ‘problem’ while she’s at a fucking bar with her husband whose somewhere amongst the crowd. Some people make me shake my head ( including myself), but nice of her to pass on her years of experience as truly she would know, how not to be.

I struggled with my emotions for a bit, ‘why am I here, Im going to get into trouble, I am going to hurt myself’ but then I came too or blacked out, either way and was a drunk composed puppy. Normally when I drink if I shed a tear there’s a cloud over me the rest of the evening, but I recouped. That’s not to say I didn’t act like a psycho later in the evening but as far as my weepy woes I kept er together. I was to learn though tonight wasn’t about sadness, but anger.

Ran into some old acquaintances/ friends/ whatever which was kind of cool I guess, shot some shit. In a way I did need that, to reconnect with somebody, anybody, my worlds been so small, it was just nice to be out amongst people, unfortunately I was totally shit faced in a bar with mostly fucking retards including myself at the time.

My friend started fucking around, found herself a little dummy to buy her drinks and share his drugs… perfect.

His friends whom he called ‘ the Boss’ ( what the fuck, right?) started yakking at me, right on. ‘ The Boss’ had a sister who had bi polar written on her fucking fore head and was just fucking weird and most likely drugged to the nine. As soon as her brother started talking to me she was all over me and telling my other buddy something that I was going home with her brother tonight so back off kind of thing, and I was like okay, crazy…. than she’d ask me to watch her shit while she fucked off.

So…my friend disappears, I go out have a smoke and I’m yakking with some old friends/ acquaintances/ whatever and I see the guy she’s doing shit with and I don’t know what came over me and I can only laugh at it now, cause like I give a fuck what she’s doing but I tell him to knock off the drugs, this kids a big dummy and gets smart with me and I don’t remember it but I fucking clocked him and then I do remember spitting on or at him like a total psycho bitch. I can’t remember if he just left or if the friends I was with a that time grounded me or what but that’s new even for me, I’ve done a lot of shit but I don’t normally actually swing at anyone I think I have once before, and that was again drunk to my ex and Fuck him. But generally speaking I’m a peace keeping person.

So the friends I was standing with in the smoke pit were just leaving and all worried if I had back up, and I was all ‘its all good’ so they left than came back because they were worried and wanted to make sure. Right then my friends show up and don’t know what’s going on and are all like uh yeah we got her back and I’m kind of like why do I need back up? But than ‘ the Boss’s sister comes out in a furry and it dawns on me, oh. She started in, and my girl friends like a fucking pit bull, no strikes were made just venom and the good graces of a police officer showing up and asking if there was a problem. No problem here, everyone dispersed.

We go back inside sit at our booth and there’s the dumb fuck I smacked hovering over from the other side being a dummy with a big shit eating smile bleeding from his lip and we all just kind of laughed at each other. Later the sister came over a mile a minute and gets real close and is all ‘its all good he probably deserved it‘, the big dummy himself and ‘the boss’ are not far behind her so I make my amends that no he didn’t really deserve it, I feel like an asshole, my bad, yadda yadda, big dummy gives me the its all good hug and we’re all a bunch of big retarded friends again.

Mah Bad

Hoorah someone announces an after party, what a great idea! Not. So were leaving, my girl friend, her sister, our guy friend and big dummy, I don’t know what big dummy did but I wasn’t the only one he pissed off that night because next I saw he was getting tossed over and shackled by the cops, tsk tsk.

None the less down one we show up at this party where I know, no one and it is immediately noticeable we don’t really fit in here and what the fuck are we doing here. I sit on the couch, some guy tells me who he is and says he’s embarrassed that I don’t know who he is and haven’t heard of him… umm okay. There’s an older woman I’m made aware is a crack head, she’s immediately made uncomfortable by our presence and wants to leave. Again my girlfriend is mingling and makes another big dumb friend, fuck. She pisses off her sister whom storms out of the house and we go looking for her, and four guys jump in wanting to come back to my place, fuck. We can’t find her by the than the guys realize this is really lame and want to go home, we drop them off, the one in the front passed out and I can’t wake his dumb ass up, I’m about to lose my shit when I blink and look over and my dude buddy has him already dragged on the lawn, sweet. Than my other friends new boyfriend still wants to come and she’s given me the girl vibes that she’s not so horny anymore so I tell him he’s not coming and to close the door and we take off like a couple crazy bitches and one poor dude outta hell.

End up not going to my place at all, I mean why would we its the middle of the night and I have no beer so we go to the dudes house, I have a couple more and steal buddy’s bed while the other two continue on into the night.

I awake… ahhh I’m alone, my clothes are on, I recall most of the night, I think.

So what did I learn, I don’t fucking know. Man what a scary thing, I guess overall I’m happy it was only as much of a shit show as it was and as ridiculous as I was everyone else was loaded too. But I’m scared because yes it was fun, fuck. But I have to remember how fine that line is between fun, trouble, humiliation and mental destruction, very fine. I know the million ways it could have been way, wayyy worse, if I could only keep that in mind more. Thank god it wasn’t, I just know myself and imagine the ‘ could haves’. I could have got my ass handed to me by the sister and than woke up next to ‘the Boss’ or a zillion other equations, and my mind would be breaking today, I would be drinking to get over drinking. The worse solution.

The more I mull it over, I am as with every drunken night, humiliated. My actions, the blanks I don’t care to fill, me telling certain people I’d been to treatment, how stupid and there I was drunk in a bar. What was I thinking? I wasn’t and that’s why I drink, but I have to remind myself that I will wake up and have to face myself and have to relive the night and that every time I hurt myself in these ways I am only adding to the mess of things I am already working through.

I have to try harder, I have to stop, I have to rededicate myself and stop being so casual about my drinking habits. I have to remember how progressive it is, what a slippery slope and how fast I’ve already slipped and that’s its just a matter of time before I become that person again, that person who unlike this person didn’t have choice or free will.

I mustn’t take for granted that choice, because what a painful life it is when you don’t have it. 

Less than 48 hrs away , , ,

Today didn’t feel as good as yesterday. I saw my baby girl off and a reality set in, though I know I am over dramatizing it, its only twenty-two days, it’s longer than we’ve ever been separated and it’s my doing.

We had a wonderful week though, I have to be clean five days before entering so I was slightly less dead to the world and did my best to pull it together for her and make the time special.

I saw my counselor a few days ago, trying to reason and justify getting some more drinking in before I went. When I took my ‘friend’ to rehab he was drinking up to the facility doors. She told me it wasn’t worth it, that this is a hospital and there a little more strict about this policy. I just remind myself that the only thing that could make me feel worse now is if I were turned away Monday. It would be so disappointing to me… and everyone who made it possible for me to go. I’ve smoked hard though, and can feel it, eating like crazy, just trying to fill the void… anything but drugs or alcohol. I’ll be tested right off the bat, urine and a breathalyzer and if it’s not clean, who knows. I wish I could say I’ve been straight five days but it hasn’t been so sweet. I kept justifying until I met my counselor who rang the reality bell, don’t fuck this up.

So technically when I go I’ll have not been drunk for four days and had one beer with my lunch the other day, but whatever. My counselor said to just be honest, they really just want to know your serious about treatment and I am, I know that.

It just all happened so fast, the process from my appointment with my counselor to getting in was two weeks, not even. My expectations were possibly sitting back another month or two waiting to be accepted and then for a spot, so It was so unexpected to have it move this quickly.

I am already mourning my drinks, having a rough day today wishing I could get loaded and cry it off in my usual dramatic way. I cried saying goodbye to my daughter, feeling like such a failure but reminding myself this is okay, this IS the right thing to do. She told me the other day while on a walk that when she’s older she’ll be happier than me, that all I do is ( imitates snoring), I’d smiled but felt bad, and said yes you will. God help me if she gets any of my insanity, I really hope not, I really hope her life is nothing like mine. All part of why I am doing this.

I sweat and sweat, I hate it. Waking up in the middle of the night, my collar damp, than having to smoke five smokes and find something anything to eat, can take two plus hours before I’m so tired I can fall asleep again.

I was almost feeling so good those first couple of ‘mostly’ sober days, I did what a lot of people probably do. Questioned if this was something I need to do, I’m fine I thought. What an idiot am I. Thank god for my support system, thank god I met my counselor, thank god. Seeing my daughter off today was the same, If I stay I get to stay with her right?

But no. No,no,no.

Keep with the program, I know what will happen if I don’t, I know this, I know.

The time will be spent in a depressed stupor, my daughter bored to death at my inactivity. Me in my dark little shell, hiding in my pain.

I was going to drive myself but again the good ol counselor put some sense in my head. Put up as many road blocks as possible. I know how uncomfortable I am now trying to keep it together. I’ll be more uncomfortable initially in a hospital, when the reality becomes really real. I can at any point say fuck this and walk away. So I’ve made arrangements to get a ride there in the morning, leaving my vehicle with my cousin who I know so well, wouldn’t come get me or make it easy to leave.

I have guilt, not spending more time with my parents before leaving. They made it almost a none option so I went for supper one night and mom helped me get on top of my house, so I don’t come back to the hole I’ve created and a boot room full of beer boxes. I just know we see things so differently, I’m just really trying to be on my own. Don’t want any triggers to send me another way, I know if we disagree and things get stupid, though they probably wont, who knows what I’ll do. Just waiting it out trying to get through. I hope they understand but I know they want to be involved more, offered to have me stay with them, worried what I’ll do on my own. But I feel safer on my own. I don’t want to get in-depth about anything now, or feel too much of anything. Just let things slide and be, less than 48 hours and I will be in.

Just drinking coffee drinks, keep my sugar up. Because I don’t have the alcohol I think as shitty as it is the best way and what I crave more is these stupid, unhealthy drinks. But I won’t be hard on myself, I won’t get turned away for having too many ice caps monday. Just can’t say it’s helping me feel healthy. That and food are helping me from flipping out, I just so hope I can resolve these issues as well and not just turn to food and sugar as a replacement. I feel so gross, I’ve been over eating and I hate myself in the mirror.

Discussed realistic expectations too with the counselor, not liking them. I’m so certain what I want, I don’t want to hear other avenues. I want to be clean of everything, forever, whats so unrealistic about that. But again, I know, I fucking know. I just know myself. I know one leads to another, and this leads to that. And alcohols the ultimate fuck everything substance, next I want weed or coke or someone to fuck. The inhibitions and the work will be gone. But apparently this is normal, and it happens, I am not to beat myself up if I do happen to touch substances again. Fuck, okay.

I am going in without smokes, another battle that will twist my mind into a ball of desperation. Whatever I’ll be in safe place, let’s go head on. My lungs almost concern me more than everything else, they hurt and I have chronic issues with them, it’s important so I’m doing it. People have questioned if that’s a good idea but the woman I talked to at the hospital and my counselor said yes, so I am not afraid. It’s another pleasure receptor so apparently cutting that off enhances the chances of success quitting other substances, they have lots of quitting aids available there too, so hopefully it goes smoothly.

I feel like I have so much to say. I hope I can blog when I am in, I find it beyond helpful, almost my therapy for myself. I good way to track myself and note things I might otherwise miss.

Anyways, for now I am okay.

Breath

Fuck Today

Today sucks. I’ve found the last few days my drinkings been less of a problem but now my compulsive eatings at an all time high. I just keep eating and eating, full and feeling like I might pop I can’t stop thinking about eating. I’ve been eating out and ordering enough for a few people, I bring it home and eat it so fast it’s not even registering. Than a glass or two of water and I’m bed ridden, having to lay certain ways trying to be comfortable. I’m so grumpy today, and basically have been eating and sleeping. What the fucks wrong with me?

I had one good day where I kept busy and didn’t drink till the evening. It felt great, I was socialising and involved with my daughter healthily. But the last two days I feel the booze isn’t doing it for me and I don’t want it… Yayy. But my eatings out of control. I get so excited, than order more than any one person should need. Basically I’m putting back enough food in each sitting for two or three people!Last night I ate so much at home, everything basically that I had left in the house, i wasn’t satisfied. Went out order a burger and cheese and chili fries. The fries were desgusting so I put them aside. My friend got off work, so we went out for super, so already I was basically at the equivalent of three meals in a three hour period. We got back home, she went to sleep, I fucked around. Put back a couple beers, next thing I’m eating those desgusting chilli cheese fries, now even more desgusting as they were hard and cold. I didn’t even look or think about it, it didn’t matter I knew they were gross, even when they were fresh it was all I had so I Fucking put them back. In between all this I’m munching on crackers, drinking high calorie drinks. I’m so frustrated with myself. The pleasure seeking tendency is so strong, I think of something, the ‘idea’ gets me exciting, than I am acting on it not thinking about the fact I’m still full. Than the second I have a drink, I feel my stomach tighten and I have to lay down. I’m so Fucking desgusting, there is something so wrong with me. Why the fuck am I so addictive and compulsive. I have to be on, or doing something almost always thats triggering the pleasure response. It’s like I forget how I feel after, am I really this Fucking retarded. Why can’t I control myself. It literally is always something. And that something is always excessive, and that excess always puts me in bed sick. And last night I couldn’t sleep at all, didn’t go down till 7am and only till 11. I assume because I didn’t drink myself to sleep as per usual, my body has no sense of time anymore. No sense of itself, who the Fuck eats and eats, past the point of being full and just keeps eating. I even skimmed shit off my friends plate when we went for supper the other night. I feel so fucking miserable right now. My daughters bouncing around being a kid, and I have to control myself because im so irritated, the last thing I need is my kid jumping around, over and on me when I fear I may pop or barf any second. I’m such a piece of shit. I just want to be well, I feel like I’ve been laying around for months, why ? Because I have, if I’m not going down because of my mental health issues or my substance abuse problems it’s something else. Fuck me!

The Mad Mind

 Though I am in a state of despair this isn’t my personal demon at present, so those who know me on a personal level please know this isn’t my cry.I was asked to write this by someone I love very dearly and I know loves me just as much

I am writing this because I believe I understand it. And it sends a shiver down my spine when someone reveals their experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts. I know that pain and I hate that it exists and I hurt knowing you hurt, whoever you are, wherever you may be and whatever brought you here. I truly feel for you.

When your mind wants to kill you, a story about my life and understanding of suicide.

I have had suicidal tendencies since I was a child, I am the greatest self defeatist. I’ve learned despite my  depression and a mad mind, that to die is not an option. I hate it so much though, that it even crosses my mind. The stigma attached to it only makes me feel more broken, when really if we could all be honest, I think having this thought bounce around from time to time is pretty normal. But there’s also a difference between a passing thought and an obsession, falling down and a crisis.

I’ve met so many people who can not by any means understand the idea of someone wanting to take their own life, and I’ve also watched the same people be torn when they realized they too weren’t immune to it. Nobody is safe from it, no matter age, background, ethnicity, sex. Depression and suicide are here among us. I could delve deep into my beliefs of why and my deeply rooted animosity towards the dysfunctions in society that fuck people up but that’s not where I want to go with this.

There’s no saying who has these feelings and who doesn’t, I bit my tongue at the idea of even writing about it. It’s a touchy, sad and  personal subject. I’ve enjoyed many parts of my life but never really loved living, never felt my purpose was so big and wonderful that I needed to be here. I don’t know why I am here and when you struggle a lot or hit a difficult crossroad in your life that cuts you to the core, someone with these tendencies is no doubt asking themselves why? I never asked for life, I am just an ant in this anthill we call earth, so what does it matter?

Why am I here ? Whats the point? I hate struggling and I often feel that for the most part of my life I’ve spent it struggling, if its not this it’s that, if it’s not that it’s this. The ongoing battle makes me often want to bury my head in the sands, if only it could be done quietly.

I don’t know why. My mind is a psycho asshole and without conscious thought and a lot of help from those who love me, I honestly don’t know if I would still be here. My pain started as a child and grew worse into my teen years. The pain manifested into cutting and ‘ attempted’ suicides but really I’d say cries for help. If I could off myself that’d be great but if nothing else I am wearing my scars, can people not see this? Do they not understand I am in pain? I see it as the greatest loss of hope and despair. Throw me a fucking bone, because otherwise I want out.

I’d be lying to say it doesn’t to this day cross my mind, it does. And sadly enough for the most part, what keeps me here isn’t because I’m so fucking happy, but the turmoil I would cause to others and the what if I missed my chance at something great because the darkness engulf me? I have to remind myself I am someone to somebody, that I have done wonderful things and helped people, and that even though today isn’t my highest and brightest day, well man I sure hope tomorrow is. I tell myself until I’ve exercised every option and have no one and nothing left, to die isn’t an option. But even than many people would disagree with me, to ever say suicide is justifiable. But this is me coping with the mad mind, it is within me so I work with it. Luckily the options are endless, from the small steps to the huge life changes that suddenly somehow spark inspiration and hope back into our souls.

More importantly though, how do we overcome this? and how as a person loving someone suffering in this way do we help?

I wish I could be more inspiring here but as someone whose suffered the mad mind most of my life all I have come up with is coping strategies. And advice.

I hate hearing how it’s the weak who off themselves because fuck you until you’ve felt it. A physical disease is your body trying to kill you, yes we may know more about it but it doesn’t change what mental illness, depression, suicide, suicidal tendencies is. I think it’s very obvious. It’s your mind trying to kill you.

Try to understand someone whose experiencing this didn’t wake up after a great wonderful life, full of love and happiness and decide fuck it. It takes knowing and feeling some awful things, it takes experiencing and being engrossed in pain, it takes prolonged sadness for someone to decide that there life is no longer worth fighting for, and often the power of a mental illness. The utter hopelessness that brings the perception that the only way to destroy the mad mind, is to destroy oneself.

I’ve had people become cold with me at the notion that I hold these feelings, and looking back I understand why, but in the moment it only makes the mad mind madder. Nobody wants to hear that someone they love and most likely have nurtured and invested in is in such a place. They want to slap that crazy shit right out of their mouths, and fuck you for thinking that, after all I’ve done for you, and everything we’ve been through and the love I’ve shared with you, you’re basically telling me it wasn’t enough? I understand too how hard it is to hear.

But as the ‘healthier’ (hopefully) mind, what the mad mind needs most is someone who wouldn’t take it personal and focus on them. People don’t feel this because of any one thing. A painful break up can completely ambush some people’s lives, but it isn’t because of that one person, that’s an oversimplification. It’s the losing something so comfortable and not knowing how to live outside of that comfortability, it’s a scary thing. Not being able to imagine being that special to anyone else or having anyone else be that special to you. From the outside though, we see someone being emotionally immature over a breakup. But these things hurt and everything hurts differently for everyone, we don’t all value the same things, we don’t all feel the same way, and we don’t all react using the same resources. My emotional (in)stability has changed considerably over the years, a lot comes from growth, but much is because I’ve spent a good part of my life in some degree of crisis. I am less surprised and affected, it’s hard to make me feel any worse than I already have/do, and the cynic in me has emerged creating a wall that at first was welcome but now very counter productive. My mad mind already knows your going to fuck me over, already knows I’m going to fail, already knows that doing that is a waste of time, and fuck is it ever hard to convince your own mind it could very well be wrong. And then the mad mind says to me, well what happened last time you tried? and I’ve just won / lost my battle with myself, so I don’t try, I curl up, I cry, I feel without hope. Because if the mad mind is right, this life is not worth living. I have to consciously be on top of that shit all the time. I have to remind myself I haven’t tried everything, and even if I had, the slightest difference in circumstances can completely change the results. I have to remind myself I have a mad mind and there is no reason for its certainty. I have to force myself up and make myself put one foot ahead of the other, I have to shut myself up and distract myself, I have to runaway with an idea so I can see what happens before I fail myself by failing myself. If that makes any sense.

Life is a very personal thing,what you handle this way, I most likely handle this way. Why ? because we handle and react to things based on our experiences and knowledge of what that ‘ thing’ is. Maybe you went to a park and had a great time, I went and a stranger molested me, now I think of parks and cry and feel turmoil, you think of parks and think fun and friends, this is a poor example but I was looking for something basic yet powerful.It isn’t about whose strongest or weakest thing. This is about being human and if I feel it, it’s real and you can’t tell me it’s wrong or I shouldn’t, because it’s happening, so now what asshole? I don’t understand why you get so sad/excited about your shit, but I don’t shut you down and make you feel ridiculous because it brings you joy/pain, same thing.

Pretend for a minute you’re in that person shoes, imagine for a second what it must feel like, if you can’t than don’t offer willy nilly advice. The person has come to you with some very painful baggage and it’s okay to simply say I don’t know, but I will help you find someone who does and do whatever I can to get you in a happier place. One thing I know about depression, suicide and suicidal tendencies is there’s a lot of pain. It’s this painful pressure and you feel it your throat, you feel it in your stomach, you feel it in your jaw, your head and your heart, it’s all-consuming when you’re this deep in despair. Sometimes the thoughts come out when there no trigger present, simply because of the pressure and the ongoing frustrations. It’s a feeling of I can’t take anymore, I really can’t and If I don’t get a break I feel I’ll have to create one, though it might not sounds rational to you, that’s how exhausted and hurt I am.

When we want, crave or truly need something and it’s not there. Sometimes just wishing I had somebody to just hold me for a second would break me apart, in my pit of black, that feeling of needing someone and not having someone would evolved into a bigger monster and feelings of not being lovable and having no one would emerge unwelcome, but typical of a mad mind. I sure wanted to blame people and did. For the lovers of people with the mad mind, please don’t take it personally. The mind is a tricky thing.

Somebody who wants to die no longer loves themselves or feels love. They feel what they have isn’t good enough and will never be good enough, they feel what they need will never be provided. They feel that the pain eating them isn’t fixable and will never change, and the truth is, especially with mental illness situations we cannot guarantee these hard feeling will go away. But like any feeling comes a response, so let’s get you some tools, lets find something that brings you passion, lets find a way to respond to the mad mind that will hopefully bring peace faster and without such a devastating end.

Be gentle, be open-minded and remember if your working with and loving someone whose living this, it’s not about you and it’s not your fault. Nobody singlehandedly has the power to push someone to want to self destruct. It’s a mixture of pain and sadness, though we can all trigger emotions in each other, suicide is the tertiary monster after the secondary emotion of sadness and anger caused by the root cause and often root causes.

On that note, my words earlier about not blaming yourself or feeling it’s personally something you’ve done or not done is for loving parents and friends. If you are an abuser. If you are the monster, you HAVE played a major role in creating these mind sets, you helped tremendously in creating the cycle of self-hatred that can drive one to the depths that they can no longer love themselves or are so defeated they chose death over life. And I fucking hope it catches up to you.

For those in the midst or who suffer this pain, remember as repetitive as it is, we do not know what tomorrow holds. We do not always know the power we have and we don’t always have the tools or the strength to overcome everything now, but tomorrow may give you something new, something very valuable. Life is work but it’s more important than any job you’ll ever have.

To seek help is necessary if all you can see is darkness, if you feel you’re steps away or are hanging from the edge, wait!

I’ve been medicated now for the most part of my life, I know many don’t want this and I understand completely. I fought the idea a lot, but at the end of the day anything that can enhance my quality of life and the length of my life was worth doing. It doesn’t mean the problems gone, it doesn’t mean that’s the last time you’ll think these scary thoughts but for lots of my friends I’ve watched they didn’t need it for ever, just long enough to find some peace and regain their strength.

There are so many options too, and I wish we had more information on natural solutions, more people devoted and educated to this field. My parents were more afraid of these solutions than going to the doctor and getting a prescription. It’s believed these very common medications are all tried and true, researched and safe but there’s never 100% guarantee, what works for one can debilitate and/or hospitalize another. I experienced my share of set backs and side effects. My first and craziest manic moment was being over prescribed an antidepressant, I went to the emergency room laughing and crying, unable to control myself. I’d never felt anything like it before or again, at least not to that degree. These drugs aren’t perfect either, you have the right to be apprehensive but do not write them off. I also know people who try one and feel no relief and give up. I’ve been on so many meds I can’t even remember but I did eventually find the one and I’ve been on it now at various doses depending on my condition for ten years. Is my life perfect? are my problems gone? no, but I am alive. They gave me a break from that mad mind, and sometimes that’s all  we need, a moment’s peace where I wasn’t thinking of ways to get out. I got to have some quiet inside and in that time, found inspiration and hope, sometimes it isn’t much, but when your that low even the smallest lift can change a lot. For me I learned I’m actually a fun person, a funny, witty person who can laugh and bring a lot of happiness to others by being that person, I just hadn’t been that person for so long I no longer knew she existed. I learned that I have so much love and beauty around me. Believe me a lot of things can come from finding the right medication at the right dosage with the proper supervision. Things a depressed and/or suicidal person wouldn’t be able to see, even when their life depended on it.

In my late teens I’d forgotten the beauty of a smile and the power of laughter and I remember finding it again and thinking holy shit, this feels really good, where has this been? It was absolutely beautiful but something I couldn’t see for the life of me until that point. I looked at happy people and thought fuck you, I couldn’t handle being around my friends cause they were having so much fun and couldn’t understand how much pain I was in, and that was all I could think about.

Whatever you chose, just chose something. Never lay down, never give up. We can’t have everything we need when we need it unfortunately, be patient with others and especially with yourself. Sometimes relief is a phone call or an appointment away but sometimes it’s not. Don’t be angry at your friends or family if they don’t have more than a hug or a kind word or even a lousy piece of advice. How could they possibly know what to say or do, there is nothing more personal than our minds and sometimes it’s hard to remember when were seeing dark, people are people, nobody has all the answers for everything. So seek someone who may have the answer for that, open your mind to the possibility, just try anything.

So if the comforts or lack of comforts of those closest to you aren’t working seek someone who has experience. And if these ‘experienced’ professionals are useless and make you feel like shit, ( I experienced this with several counselors, therapist, doctors..ect) find someone else, fuck them. At the end of the day there just people like you or me, any one of us can take years of education and be unfit to play the role. The very least they could offer is empathy and the most sensible alternatives based on their experienced with mental health, if they have neither it’s simply unfortunate they chose a field of employment they’re ineffective in and that’s not you’re fault. There are good ones though I assure you, I’ve met some wonderful professionals and just knowing they were there gave me something to hang on to. A window of hope.

We have so many options, suicide should never be our first but if you suffer from this tendency it’s probably the first to pop in your head. We don’t all have people we love close by, we’re not all having our needs met, we’re living in a world far from our natural way and its very frustrating. But there is something beautiful for us all it just isn’t always what we think it is or right there right than when we need it, it is unfortunate but no reason to say theirs nothing left for us. Never feel too big or too weak to seek advice, counsel, help. Doing so doesn’t mean you have to take what they offer, but at least you’re exploring your options. At least you’re opening the window of possibility, so you can eventually find something that does work or at least eases the pressure. The craziest thing is to take a leap so big without trying to seek out the loop-hole that could very well save your own life. Don’t get wrapped up in people who have no idea, because they have no idea. When you’re in a place of hurt I know the last things I wanted to hear was shit like sleep on it, breath, count to ten, punch a pillow. Are you fucking kidding me? I said I don’t want to live. I’m not having a fucking moment, I’m having a crisis, and it’s a searing fire from within trying to kill me, I’d rather nothing than that nonsense.

I am now a grown up, nobody will barge in and make me better. I have to recognize my downfall and catch myself before I lose control. I’m learning to recognize my shades of dark and fight my own battles and wipe my own tears and I still battle with finding that happy place and that happy medium. But I have a lot of love within me, and want more than to be six feet under, it’s just hard not to get lost in the pain.I want to live for my family, I want to live for my friends, and most important of all I want to live for myself. And no matter what anyone else has to say about me or my life, what matters is what I know about me. And I am a fighter and anybody dealing with this is a fighter. Even at your weakest moment, even when there’s no color left and your all alone, nobody makes it in this world who isn’t a fighter. Forgive yourself, forgive others, practice patience as hard as it is, practice self-love because with that comes a lot more.

Cheers and thank you to all the wonderful people who are fighting along the sides of a person struggling to survive their mad minds. What you do is amazing and often thank less, never feel you should have done more or said this or forget that nobody can force health, or love away a deep sickness, just know that your love and your presence is the most valuable thing you can offer. The fact your sticking around and even trying to understand and help someone struggling so deeply is amazing.It’s unfortunate but comes with the package that you’ve experienced no doubt, a lot of pain and a lot of lashing out, it’s never your fault if your attempts weren’t met with positive results. It takes a strong person to hang out for the sadness, the abuse, the failures and keep their head up so they can try to hold our heads up. And never get so immersed that your light may flicker out.

And I wish you all the best to those fighting their mad minds. I wish there was anything guaranteed that would end our suffering. I wish I could say that from my personal experience this pain would end, forever, definitely, but I can’t. I can say though it’s a roller coaster and there’s a good chance that better days await, and those days are worth sticking around for. Whatever the void, whatever the pain, whatever the animal that made you feel so worthless. Man kind has continued to survive because of our inner strength and the ability to cope, learn and grow.  It may not be your last depression or your last cut but with some initiative we can make more beautiful days than sad days.  May you find the brightness, and may you forgive yourself if you can not totally abolish the mad mind or the feelings, never give up the most important fight of all, the fight for yourself. Get well my friends 😉

Getting back up… again…again

Well… where to even start. My last blog was the beginning of a bender, as I said if I gave myself and inch I’d take a mile and man I did. It’s amazing how the addict in us can so obviously and in our face, justify anything. I read that blog now and I’m like… that’s cute, why I thought that’d work is beyond me.

But with each painful down fall is a lesson, and some small and what I believe big steps have come from that. The decision to seek treatment is one I’ve been tossing around since forever, hard to feel good about though. I suppose nobody wants to admit to there weakness’ and do something kind of dramatic. I’m still unsure if it’s the way to go, but I have decided and it’s my hope that I’ll follow through.

I’m realizing regardless of what my biggest issue is, my despair and pain are all I need to know, to know I need …something. That what I am doing now, isn’t working and anything is better than laying down and suffering. I have to admit to myself that now I simply haven’t the strength and unfortunately or perhaps fortunately because of my daughter I haven’t the time to waste falling and getting up, falling and getting up.

It’s almost as a weak man would say and I’ll admit here, my escape. I’m exhausted fighting on my own, I long to be nurtured and not have to carry the load everyday on my own. I don’t want to retreat and lean on family because that never goes well and there not equipped to deal with that.

I just know if I go away I’ll no longer have to make the big decisions anymore, a learned doctor, psychiatrist, drug counselor , whatever will do so. I guess the point is, quite frankly I don’t have the answers, I have no fucking idea. So I’ll take a leap and hope I don’t get cold feet but the road is being paved as we speak. I’ve made it known of my intentions and have the support of those I need it from and that’s all that matters. Lots of guilt and shame still, but I’m looking at it as if I can just motor through the process not thinking too hard about it, I’ll be in and I’ll be fine. Destination: Help me please, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing!!!

After talking to my counselor I felt a weight lifted, so I know there’s something to it. My way of giving up the struggle as a wise person said to me today and saying here, you tell me how and I’ll do it. Trying to open my mind up to new ways from drastic to simple. Rehab being drastic and a walk in the rain per a wonderful soul I spoke with today, to possibly going to church as recommended by another beautiful person. Things I am not normally open too but know now theirs nothing I could do that could hurt me more than what I’ve been doing, take me because I am lost.

I find myself nervous a lot, the cold feet. I’d taken in a friend a year ago on the premise that he go to rehab and was almost frustrated at how difficult of a choice for him it was, but now I understand. But I also understand and have to remind myself why it doesn’t have to feel so difficult. The big picture outweighs the hurdles on the way, the sacrifices and hardest of all admitting hey EVERYONE I LOVE I messed up big time, and whether I have the power or don’t have the power I can’t at this time take the power. That’s very hard.

He had kids and all I could think was so what? you come out and you will be a better father to them. But now I fight the same fight, leaving my girl for any amount of time because I can’t get it together is a hard thing to admit, and the fear of being forgiven by her or her thinking It was her fault or that I’m abandoning her. Hoping that everyone will look at me the same, and they’ll forgive me for fucking up to a point where I had to hand them my responsibilities and walk away. It hurts a lot. And I am grateful to have the people in my life who will take those responsibilities, whatever their thinking, thank you so much and I am so sorry.

The fear if it doesn’t work, the fear of coming out and properly using the tools. The what ifs. The only thing worse to me than not getting help, is getting help and not following through. When my buddy who wasn’t even that close, just a work friend got out and was immediately drinking again, I couldn’t help but feel used and angry. I sacrificed a part of me and helped you and for what? I’d told him he couldn’t come back to my place and I think it upset me more than him. The addict is a selfish soul.

Isn’t that right Dr.Phil?

What if people allow me the space to heal and I come out and fall right off again? I’d hate to burn bridges with those I love and love me enough to as my ex said ‘ hold down the fort while I’m gone’ to only disappoint them.

I need to express these thoughts as their dwelling within me but believe my head is in a better place today. I am acknowledging my fears but I am also moving forward regardless. I am also so excited! it’s very freeing and I only hope I can get in as soon as possible. Learn something about myself, clear my mind and start fresh. There is really nothing more I could ask for at this point other than a miracle, and if theirs a miracle to be had, I can think of many people more in need of it than myself.

Hear me Roar !

So life is a depressing shit show, how do we move forward? If I am not fighting myself, I am fighting the system. Fuck you system! And fuck you me!

That’s Right I Said It!

Anyways, I find humor the only way to emotionally look past my jaded edges and see the light. It doesn’t help to know everyone’s fucked up, it only makes me angrier. It’s stupid how helpless we are. It’s no wonder people are angry and bored, this is no life for any person! I don’t care who you are. We’re constant dicks to each other and why? when we’re all we have.

But okay , okay. I can play this game. So I get bitter and resentful until it manifests into some shit hole in my soul I’ll now inevitably have to fix unless I want to end up punching myself in my god damn head.

Can you tell I am a bit of an angry person.

I swear to fucking god, I will!!!

But enough about my rage, oh wait this is my blog.

So in trying to better my life, clearly my anger needs to be addressed. I get this whole ‘think positively and positive things will come to you’. I absolutely actually believe this shit. But why is it so hard to do? Why do I want to laugh at myself when I’m trying to tell myself how awesome I am.  I feel like the jokes on me you know. Like haha she thinks she a good person, what an idiot. This is what ends up going through my head.Than I get mad at myself because fuck, I can’t even do positive affirmations right!!!

I have positive little quotes all over my house. It’s been months… there not working. But why would they, subconsciously I know I’ve decided I am not worthy. Boo hoo I know, poor me. But fuck me, this isn’t about me. This is about the people who love me and want to see me do well. But where are they? Why do I feel the need to be saved from myself? And who the fuck would be dumb enough to get in the middle of a battle between me and me, they’d have to be suicidal!

I am so angry and such a cynic I can’t even pretend I’m not. At some point someone pissed me off and now all I see is fucking retards everywhere. I’m like the kid from sixth sense only a huge asshole… and that makes me sad…

Anyways I am accepting as I am coming off the booze, I am probably not going to feel all fluffy and shit for a while. So lets take this with a grain of salt okay, I am not always an asshole. But I didn’t start drinking because I was so fucking happy I couldn’t help myself. I started because everyone’s an asshole. So here I vow to accept that people are assholes but so am I, time to move on.

Time to accept a bunch of shit. And I hate that. Why should I have to accept things I know as wrong.

So… things that make me angry.

I am angry that I’m forced to work unfulfilling jobs to make ends meet. When really we should be trading, growing and hunting.

I am angry I have to be nice to douche bags, you might say but wait no you don’t. But yes, yes I do, half the time their my bosses

I am angry that I have to do things on somebody elses schedule, guess what I am kind of a night owl. So fuck you early mornings.

I am angry that I have these impulses. Why do I crave drugs, alcohol, food…ect. While others I know couldn’t give two fucks.

I am angry that I am alone, that were all alone. There is no sense of community, only fear.

I am angry that I have wasted so much time being sick and unhealthy… and I am angry because I don’t know why

I am angry at my family

I am angry at my friends

I am angry at myself

I am angry because I am so angry…

Alright that was good… thanks.

It makes me crazy that I have no idea at this very moment what makes me happy. I don’t feel any happiness now. Only the knowledge that with the right changes I will be a happier person. And god damn it I can’t let myself forget this. I can’t forget that although I am hurting now, I can come out the other end. The clarity, I have to remember how much beautiful life is when there’s clarity. When theirs nothing in my body influencing my feelings, thoughts or beliefs. When its just me…

And I can’t wait. That thought just put a smile on my face 😉

Lost: Passion and Integrity last seen somewhere in the 90’s

Have you ever felt completely exhausted where the smallest task seems insurmountable? Have you ever felt your brain running away on you about everything else you need to do while you attempt to carry out the most trivial of chores?
It makes me bat shit crazy it does. But hey its life it doesn’t stop, but like energy it can change, so change that shit up.

I watch people running around, every moment of their day already jotted down on a piece of paper the night before, the to do list. Some people take great joy from this. And than I remember  when I had passion you’d best get the fuck out of my way. But now, passions on the back burner, I feel dead inside, I know I have dishes to do before I get too passionate.

Shut the fuck up, I’m being passionate asshole!

We’re not raised to seek passion, we’re raised to get on board and do what we’ve got to do, if that means sucking dick to get bread on the table you best get sucking . Nobody cares if you have passion or integrity in your life only that you make money and provide. How fucking insane is that.

So used to being coddled in our consumer driven society, we can have any comfort at the right price. It’s made us lazy as fuck, suddenly we don’t need to do things for ourselves and prefer not too. Why deal with my own shitty shit when I can hire Joe Blow to deal with it. It doesn’t bother most of us that we’re not competent enough to do mundane tasks in our day-to-day, why? because working on things for yourself is for the peasants, we only get up if we’re getting paid, damn it!

But theirs only one way to find your passions,fucking try something.  Instead of grabbing your roll of bling and calling the god of all that is handy, use your own two cents. Logic and common sense can go a long way.Not to say go ripping your vehicle apart because hey, how else do you learn. But read up on the task at hand, is it something you can do or does it actually require someone with years of experience under their belt? Don’t assume everything’s crazy complicated because chances are as I said with a little logic, common sense and some research you could be your own savior. You’ll know if it’s your thing by the feeling within you, do you enjoy it?  No? try the billions of other shit your minds been buzzing about. Don’t worry about whether you succeed or not,we learn from our mistakes and fucking up is human, who cares. Next time you’ll know not to do that again, lesson learned still gratifying.

Failures happens and they suck, who cares about the moon anyways

Passion means time and dedication. Not to mention I don’t want to just be passionate on my days off, I want passion every fucking day. I want to wake up driven by that passion and fall asleep exhausted from that passion. However it’s not easily found in our culture. We’re encouraged to be ‘ motivated and productive’ but only in terms of our current society, so be motivated to go to work and productive in that you are prosperous enough that you can continue to consume and add to the health of the current system structure. That’s it.

Passionate people are scary, with their wild ideas and enthusiasm into ‘stuff’ almost makes one uncomfortable. So in our fear of the unknown we’ve subconsciously gave passion a bad rap, that to have passion means losing self-control and so the result is a world where people don’t take risks or follow what eats at their insides. So we work away most of our lives so we’re as cool as our neighbors and  accepted among our sheep people.

Sheep people. Tough crowd.

I imagine the happier person I would be If I could live simply off what I know and guess what, that positive energy would manifest in every area of my life, of course nothings easy. But I simply don’t feel I’m allowed too, definitely not encouraged to. In fact there are many walls set up to stop someone from doing just that. I don’t know, do we need a busyness license to set up a lemonade stand? If it’s not already in practice, it’s just a matter of time before someone gets sick from a cup of lemonade and you’ll need to register to distribute lemonade, just look at Julie Murphy’s story here.

How many times have you done something sketchy because that guy you call ‘ boss’, who is no more or less than you, just another sheep in a place of power because of a flawed system told you too? I have, nothing serious or at least not to me. Still I don’t want to bend at all when it comes to my morals, the’re developed from years of personal experience and I especially don’t want to bend over for someone whose reasoning was based on making a buck. My moral compass feels dizzy just thinking about it.

I’m confident any one of us could be masters of whatever craft we did if there were passion and integrity behind it. If there was time and room to practice and flourish In that area. But we’re not given that option,we could, but at what cost? For most of us though we’re too stuck in the cycle, we have bills coming out every month, we can’t just quit our jobs and start sculpting nudes like we’d dreamed as kids.

Did this on my weekend

But there are ways, small steps we can take to get there. Nothing happens over night, it’s unfortunate but fuck whatever, any things better than fuck all. The more people moving in a similar direction the more change we’ll see.

Lets start finding our passions, whatever they are. It’s hard with all the pressure weighing on us, but the quicker the better. I don’t want to be the best ‘ what I have to be’ I want to be the best ‘ what I want to be’. These are the skills that you can count on, when your hearts in it.

Your passion is what drives you, so if you’re not doing what drives you is there any question why ‘life’ in general is nothing more than an exhausting unfeeling fucking chore?

Live simpler. Stop doing shit that makes your skin crawl. Focus on being productive in a new way. Follow your passions, perfect them, than introduce them to the world as your own.