Can’t Sleep… Elf on the Shelf will eat Me

I can’t sleep.

Because this dudes creeping me out!

It’s early but I’m ready for this day to be done. I drank early as I got off work early and now I’m sobered up annnndddddd meh.

Thinking how I can get another fix, I feel so full though, it can’t be booze and I’m out of the hoots I’d lovingly had shared with me by my buddy.

Took my med’s so hoping they kick in soon and knock me on my arsicle.

Anyways over all a better whatever day. Starting to feel the inner workings of all the girls at work, starting to get annoyed, but I keep reminding myself it’s just weekends… pretty sure I can tough it out despite the minor irritations.

Seems all the girls have ‘ something’ they don’t like or straight up won’t do or ‘can’t ‘

There’s no motivation to go quickly because you’ll just end up helping others on the other floors, which is cool, I don’t mind that. But I’m getting annoyed at some of the girls purposely lagging because of this. I just want to work and go home. I don’t want to dog fuck, I get why you want too, but If I’m at work I want to be going, let’s get this shit done and get the fuck out’a here, you hear!

So I have family up this weekend. I have this semi devious plan. My maws all about just telling people the truth about going to rehab and why I haven’t worked in so long before this job. She thought I should during interviews for positions ‘ tell the truth’. I had to explain to her that in a perfect world, sure. But back in reality, you go to an interview, they ask about your gap in employment, you say you were drunk and having mental health issues… but don’t worry, I went to rehab. Do you think there going to hire you or Suzy Sue whose getting interviewed next?

There’s a few reasons I think I’m going to ‘ tell the truth’ to my family tomorrow, one is to prove a point. Obviously they’re my family they’ll love and accept me regardless, but for her to see that slight pause in conversation.

But also because I want them to know. I want them to know why I was sooooo fucking weird last time I saw them, as I was 10 days out of rehab when we drove 20 hours for a wedding. And I was very obviously different. My meds were fucking with me, I was surrounded by booze and people having a good time. And I, too fresh, didn’t know ‘ how to be’ so I was very awkward and as much as I kept to myself, I stood out like a sore thumb and was miserable, but tried to play it out, you know, like I was normal.

I hated every minute of it, because I couldn’t socialized normally and at every other family event I was the life of the party. Drinking and yakking, getting crazy. This time I literally sat at a huge ass wedding table all by myself as everyone else was walking around catching up, it took everything I had not to burst into tears.

Even those who did approach me were gone pretty quickly because I didn’t know what to say without telling the truth. I hadn’t thought it through, what I would say if I was asked this, that or the other.

‘ So what have you been up too?’ I was asked several times, ‘ oh you know, same old stuff‘ I’d reply… to people I hadn’t seen in almost a decade.My answers were short and slow, I was just so highly medicated and lets just say it was way too fucking soon to be doing such things after a stint in psych ward/ rehab!

I fought my mom about staying another day, saying I needed to go, get the f out of here! It was a painful trip, I wore my mask as best I could.

So I don’t know if I should or shouldn’t, it’s still up in the air, I’m just so sick of lying. It’s just so obvious. I went from up here to down here. I had a high paying good job… now I’m a chamber maid and just on weekends, my moods have been all over. Even the people at work, asking, ‘ so how to you make ends meet only working weekends?’ and I lie the shit out of it. I hate lying, especially about BIG things, at least it feels big to me.

Anyways time, as always, will tell…I think I’m getting tired, so must be a boring ass post!

Creepy Fuck!

 

 

Show Me The Valium !

Today is psychiatrist day. Today I fight to bring Valium back in my life. Today I need to find a way to pound into his head how much this helps stop and slow down my drinking.

Today I am going to explain that I’ve done the reading and don’t understand the fucking difference between Valium and Clonazepam, except one works and one doesn’t.

There both habit-forming, and both have their pros and cons. I don’t get high from Valium, but like the booze whisperer it shuts that needy, impulsive drunk up.

Today I have to be super honest. Today I am kind of fearful.

To talk about suicidal ideation and maybe how it went a step further and that anything but drinking is a solution. That I’m debating get back on the weed train, simply because it halts the process, but it’s not good for me either, it’s not what I want. It still causes me pleasure, so if I get on that train I imagine it’ll take a matter of weeks before I’m back to smoking daily all day.

Today I’m doing the just fucking give it to me, I know me best, I know what works, I know what I don’t want, I know what the lesser evil is.

Today I’m going in begging.

…please…sir….

I’ve made so much progress, this will be huge in moving me more forward. I can’t predict myself when I drink. The other night what normally doesn’t getting me stupid drunk, did. Suddenly I was in desperation, wanting drugs.

I’m walking the line, between falling off the wagon completely and just giving up, thinking I’ll never find sobriety, so fuck it, what does it matter. Let’s go backwards, yeah that’s fucking genius, fuck me and my mind.

He took it away, it was prescribed by a separate MD not him ( as per recommendation from my therapist as I was experiencing withdrawals). He said it was addictive and I have an addictive personality… so no, and he prescribed clonazapam aka klonopin.

But whats the lesser of evils ? Valium doesn’t get me high, it just silences the inner beast, even IF I got addicted to it, I would choose that over alcohol, weed or anything else I may be on the verge of falling into.

Look what you made me do, are you happy now!

It’s a progressive illness. Yes I haven’t touched hard drugs for a long time, I am proud of that, but feel it’s a matter of time before a bad drunken decision gets me back on board.

Today I try to explain all this to him without causing myself new problems.

I’m always scared to be too honest. Scared I’ll be looked at as an unfit parent, scared that talking about suicide may lead to a forced hospitalization.

I am definitely in a better spot having removed Topamax from my medicinal diet, but I’m definitely not out of the woods.

This feeling so normal again, has older temptations walking back into my mind. And the Klonopin isn’t whispering shit shut, or doing anything as far as I can tell.

I fear he’ll just up my Klonopin, as he seemed truly anti Valium for me as an addict. But that’s just it, I am an addict, but an addict looking for any way out, even if means replacing something with something, if it’s the lesser evil, if it works. If it stops my black outs, my loss of control, if it helps keep my sanity and helps me make better choices, than it’s harm reduction.

Today my fingers are crossed, I can make him see it my way without causing a bunch of psychiatric red flags in his mind.

I must concentrate on the sentences involving harm reduction and that I DO NOT get high off Valium, have no intention of misusing it. And somehow explain how my alcohol consumption has upped since being taken off Valium and the consequences of set change, without making myself out as a bad parent or someone who needs medical\ psychiatric interference.

So here’s hoping. It’s all about wording. I know my addiction counselor and therapist have both told me to fight for it, so today I do.

Here’s hoping.

Today I Hope

I feel like I’ve said this a thousand times, try harder. Though I keep getting all this wonderful information, I can’t seem to carry it out in my life, in my god damn fucking mind.

This is what makes a person cease to want to be. Everything is in one ear out the other and meanwhile, who am I fucking over along the way as they worry about my well-being.

I have a choice, why don’t I make the right one ?

Last night I got shit face and my ex took my daughter for the night. At the time I thought he’d actually just hang out a bit and keep me company not realizing the state I was in. He came, he saw, we talked a bit, he wasn’t an asshole but wasn’t leaving our daughter with me obviously.

When he said that, I realized what I was. Not fit to parent. Though supper was almost ready, my girl doing her nightly routine, I was keeping up the façade, but still not fit. The story of my life.

I’m becoming that person, people don’t know what to say to me, they can’t help me, they can’t make the choice for me. I am disgusted with myself. But on the positive, so lucky to have support, support so many struggling with similar issues do not.

My ex dropped my daughter off this morning for me to take her to school, and life goes on. I know tonight I won’t drink, but again it’s like every second night, once the alcohols ran through me, it wants again.

I don’t want to go to fucking treatment. Not leave my daughter, I got to figure this out, I just have too. It’s not even an ‘if’ anymore, I know every time I drink I find myself in trouble. Once upon a time, I used to be able to get away with a good night but not anymore.

I have to stop letting my thoughts and feelings control me, as Eckhart Tolle says, there’s an ‘ I’ behind those thoughts and feelings that can decide how to handle them, I really liked that type of thinking as I always thought I was my thoughts and feelings.

But he explains it almost like the third eye, every thought and every feeling can be fleeting if we chose it to be, instead of obsessing over it or letting it control us. We have lots of thoughts and feelings and not all of them over power us.

Why do I let my most negative thoughts and feelings consume me. I hope to find a way to do this. To be more than a ball of negative energy, emotions and thoughts that usually carry very little rationality. They only bring me pain and suffering.

As of today I hope to stop being a puppet. To use my ‘ I’ or ‘ Third eye’ when my thoughts and feelings come up. Today I hope to refocus on being a none drinker, as I see myself subconsciously as given up on that. Today will pass, every day with practice it’ll get easier. Today I hope to empower my Spirit not my thoughts and feelings.

From the Pain to the Insane

Today, the guilt, the shame.

But it will pass, I fucked up, like I always do. But the goal is to keep going, to keep in motion and not lose hope, as hopeless as it all feels sometimes.

I’ll never be perfect I never longed to be perfect, but I definitely never wanted to be this person, a person eclipsed by so much trouble, not unlike so many others.

As I child I never thought I would be ‘ this‘. I don’t know what I thought I’d be, but I definitely thought I’d have a feeling of more control. Everything is a choice, but my demons are worn in me deep.

A great day, can turn and be lost just like that. I made the wrong choice. The story of my life it seems. I am trying to stay positive and trying to believe in my ability to conquer the demons before they engulf me, trying.

I’m glad yesterdays done. Today I know I’m safe, other than my mental torture. Tomorrow I’ll be challenged again, the alcohol then played through my body and ready to re-enter.

I have no answers. Just play it out, hope that tomorrow I’ll make a better choice.

I wish I could run away, just run away from it all. But I’m suppose to face it and be stronger than it. Take back my power.

But I don’t know where that power lays in me, so smothered under all the pressure. But it’s somewhere.

Somewhere deep within, I must go forth on a mission to find it I suppose. Bring it to the top, make it the main player, not be the puppet that my thoughts and emotions play with.

I need Spirituality more than ever now, I need something bigger than me to help me. Guard me, but it’s a large request. I am not a child, I shouldn’t need such protection, but I’ve proven again and again I can not trust myself.

Here’s to hope, positivity and a better tomorrow.

Somebody save me from Myself

Myself, my worst enemy. She cries, she screams, she’s lost. No where to go.
Where are the answers, I thought I followed the rules and still, my heart stands still.
Where to turn, who to call .
People don’t understand the desperation, when your alone with your thoughts. Therapy can only do so much, but self help can only meet so many ends.
I cry, I cry for everyone. The torment, the frustration, the confusion. You think your moving forwards but find yourself at the back of the line.
Somebody save me, save me from my self destructive self. The times a ticking.
How much more can a person withstand, how much? For some Maybe lots for others less.
I’m hanging by a thread… As it parts ways. Please hang on, please. I beg.
I feel weak, tomorrows a new day but I know the sorrow will follow, it always does.
The desperation. Why? Why can’t I be like you ? Why can’t I be mentally stable? why, why , why ? mother fucker, bring me peace.

Darkness Over Head

Where to go when there’s nowhere to go. Where to be when you don’t long to be. How to skin the dirt when it’s all of you. Why keep talking when it’s your flawed contradiction. The bruises keep getting bigger, the heart keeps getting smaller, the pain more out ward than in ward, the thoughts more real than dreamy, the distortions become reality. The hatred calling more loudly. Fuck the hope, you’re broken, shattered glass.

You live for one reason and one reason only, one person.

It is not for you.

Everyday the thoughts. Give up, give in, give up, give in, but no. Because of one person only. And that person is not you.

Your are enemies with yourself, you vile, weak animal. Your not worth the trouble, you are the trouble. They say you are worth it, you’ve been hurt and this is the result of that hurt, but whats done is done, this is whats left. So tired of fighting. But I fake it, for that one person. Though so many days I’m worthless even for his one person, hard as I try.

My mind is away fighting, not in the moment, not seizing the beauty of the one person and her beautiful innocence. My mind instead is cycling in its own pain, trying to disconnect and with that it disconnects with everything even the one I live for, try as I do.

How to fix something so broken? People see progress, I see darkness behind closed doors. Where they don’t, the quiet, where the torture lives. Hiding is what I do, one may never know, I’ve perfected this as this is my whole life, I even hide it from the one I live for, though it sneaks out, try as I do. At times I fail.

Everything makes me sick to my stomach, everything shakes me. I’m just so dead inside. All I want to do these days is drink and yet to look at me you’d say I look fan fucking tastic, I brush the grease through my hair until it’s no longer noticeable and tie it back or let it fall depending on how bad it is. I just want to drink and pass out. Not be, just exist, be left alone, but I don’t want to be alone, be with a friend, but I have no kind words, cry it out, hard, for no reason I can’t pin point, be a baby.

What a warped mind, and yet from my support team, I am making progress. Whatever. It doesn’t feel like progress. I am not who I was before treatment, that much is true. But the longing not to be resonates within me. I just don’t have any answers and none seem to be coming fast enough and I am sabotaging my chances as I go with my habitual use.

Today at least I see my therapist, see if anything good comes out of it. Can’t really see anything positive but that is the light I’m in now, so here’s hoping.

Moody Fucking Drunk

Tonight I’m filled with rage, I am failing, right now. Beer to my side.

I tried everything today and did such a good job, was an attentive mother, was emotionally available, we did pumpkins, made pictures, did some running around but I slowly felt my energy run away and myself become irritable and more frustrated. Like fuck, can’t I just do what I need to do for fuck sakes.

I’m supposed to go to an NA meeting tonight, but that’s not happening, I kept thinking if I could make this many more hours, If I could make this many hours, now this many, but no, here I am.

But honestly I think I’m done with the meetings, there not working the miracles they seem to be for everyone else and I think I’m like an NA \ AA snob, I go I listen, I don’t share than I’m out the door while there socializing within their ‘fellowship’. I don’t know what I’m missing but I’m not feeling it, the enlightenment they speak of from being apart of it, and I’m sure if I spoke my issues would be met with counter conversations when I don’t give a shit, just listen.

So much stuff inside me I just can’t talk about, not to my family or my therapist or in NA \ AA , they don’t give a fuck about mental health issues I haven’t heard anyone bring that up, but I have heard a lack of support toward using medication, along with the idea of self-pity and as I’ve said in earlier posts I’m dealing with a lot, it hurts, I don’t want pity but I’d like to be able to talk about it, because it hurts and it’s part of why I drink, I know I am accountable for every sip I take, but that obsession that’s all they want to hear not the before part just by the book.

I am starting to feel the cult like spirit and I mean no offence, to whom it works for that’s great, I was listening to their stories about how they felt first walking through the doors and I can say I felt totally different, it wasn’t like that at all. There was no sense of unity or fellowship or caring, it was likely me blocking myself off, but I don’t know how else to be except how I am now, and that’s all I can be for now. So I may have attended my last, we’ll see.

Again just frustrated and angered by these ‘diseases’, this ‘ process’, I felt like I was going forward, now I feel right the fuck back at the start. Now I fear because or my previous few drunks, will I get suicidal? Another thing I can’t talk to about anyone about, lest I expect a stay in a hospital. I think I’ll be okay. But don’t we always.

It’s just so crazy how well my day started, so well. I had it going right on track and then slowly my irritability and frustration and stress started popping up, totally available mom became ‘ okay that’s enough kid’ mom, all the questions and bouncing around, suddenly mom needs some space, don’t know why or what happened. We did pumpkins, painted lots of pics now lets shut’ er down, quiet time.

Shit that just makes me loath myself, just want to be normal, a normal day, fuck these ups and downs, fuck’em in the ass hole.

A Sliver of Hope

Today I feel such stomach turning pain, my depression digging in like a dagger. Eating me alive from the inside out. So disappointed in myself, the self loathing is back, hello.

I’ve been so spinny, ups and downs, and I know my using isn’t helping, but since changing my med’s again I don’t feel that safety. My psychiatrist took me off the ones that were working because they were addictive, I get it, but they were keeping me sober, silencing the drunk pig that lives within me.

I got a job… at a gas station and it’s too much, it’s insane, I hate that I have to start all over, I used to be in an office now Im working a till again. But already I’ll most likely be quitting, I don’t think it’s helping my beer consumption either.

The managers a dick, lipped me off on my fourth day for not being fast enough, when I hadn’t stopped moving, so yesterday I didn’t even take my breaks and still didn’t get all the shit they wanted done. Makes me feel very small, to think I could do so well in an office setting yet can’t fucking make the mark at a fucking convenient store. But he lectured me and then told me to pick it up publicly, I almost fucking quit on the spot, I had two days of shoddy training, I only work weekends, what do you expect ? I haven’t really figured out a method yet, still too new, plus the amount of shit they expect to be done is retarded so fuck that shit. I worked at a gas station when I was 18 and it was nothing like this, personally I think maybe the manager knows something about me, or maybe I’d been there drunk one too many times. I know I need the job, or a job, but not at the cost of my mental health, I’m in no place to have too much pressure put on me right now and I’ve drunk everyday after work, so no, be bye.

But it depresses me, I may have no other option but to receive the help from my parents, which sucks balls I hate feeling like I owe anyone anything or that I failed so bad that this is what its come too, but humbly I go. I am still looking for weekend work, I’m just anxious, it’s so paramount I find the right fit, I can’t just have any job, I need something that accommodates my emotional and mental health and you can’t exactly bring that up in an interview.

None the less, I brought in some money this month, it’s something.

Wish I could stop cycling so hard, think this depression going to hang out a while, I can feel it. My cousins keeping tabs on me, worried about me, she thinks I should consider going back to treatment, she might be right but all I can think of is leaving my little girl again, but I haven’t really been emotionally available for her so it’s a tough call. I just wish, wish, wish I could just be better, I’m so sick of this shit.

Got a text from my friend from NA, she saw me go to the liquor store so she says she doesn’t feel strong enough to hang out with a practicing addict and she’ll wish upon a star for me or some shit. So that was cool, but whatever I understand, I did tell her I was still struggling so I don’t know what changed, but it is what it is, on me own again.

Feeling a lot of anger, my short comings as an employee, a drunk, as a mother… a human being….ugh

My suicidal ideation is playing hard, especially when I’m drinking, hence my cousins concern. Hopefully with all the med changes they start kicking in and kicking ass but I know using isn’t helping their effectiveness, so I need to pull up these ol’ socks again, starting to wear out by now.

But I still have a sliver of hope, the hopelessness may outweigh it but I’m putting all my weight on that tiny sliver for now.

Killing Me Slowly

The cloud over my head is making me unable to think, process, go forward. Such a place so unwelcome. Just what I don’t need. Totally reverting to my old ways, but its ‘ different’. This time I’m more filled with hatred, something boiling inside. The fog, the not wanting to move forward, just too angry too upset. Fuck this, I did what I was supposed to do and this is where I am. This is still my life.

I can’t escape myself, every door is another depressive episode or dysthymic road block, I don’t have a hope in hell. The mixed messages from my counselors and therapists, the medications, me. I feel totally at a loss here.

Some times I wish I wasn’t a mother, or if I could sent my love off to her dads with ease and hide away but that’s not how it works, we’re intertwined. But I am totally zoned out, I don’t want to be a parent now, I don’t even want to be a living now.

Everything I gained from treatment is gone or going, my pain is agonizing. The spectrum is long and complex, what works for this ailment affects this negatively and vice versa. We’re all just psychological guinea pigs.

Nobody in my life comprehends the process of rehab. I’m learning though, habits are similar, behaviors are different. My tolerance for shit isn’t the same, my animosity at an all time high. Suicidle ideation is plaguing me, with and without the drink.

When you think you did the work and see your no further ahead, you can’t help but want out, what more is there to do?

I hurt myself the other day and of course I can’t tell anyone without being thrown in a straight jacket, I don’t know what I was thinking, drinking of course, part of me wishes I didn’t survive, part wonders what the fuck that’s not me to play with fire. At least not me before I grew the strength of hatred that brews in me now like a wild fire.

I could never devastate my daughter, but I still wonder. A natural disaster, something unpredictable, out of anyone hands. Crazy talk.

I hate how normal and okay I can come off, and yet thank god I suppose. I’m coming off as stupid at my appointments because my depressions dulling my brain, my counselor today actually asked if I was still drunk, because I was aloof and offered me a ride home. My therapist the other day said we needed to get my mind ‘ sparked’ or something to that effect, because I couldn’t concentrate and answer his questions.

My daughters desiring my attention and I just want to zone out, not drink but not be in the moment. What are these meds for?

I know I guess I haven’t been doing everything right, I can’t claim innocence when I’m consuming alcohol. I don’t lie to them about it. I do need to try harder.

My other fear is having to break my promise to my daughter and have to go ‘away’ again and this time for the long hall, no 22 day bullshit, it’ll be the 3 months. In my heart I want to desperately, it’s just it would be at her sacrifice, and that breaks my heart. I promised her Id never leave her again.

I just wish I wasn’t me. I hate this person, this fucking idiot who can’t stop hurting inside so she hurts herself, numbs herself. This person who has lost her will to live. Whether I do ever commit suicide I know my life is a slow suicide either way.

I just wish I could be better. Just for her.

Gloves are off… Alcohol

I’ve been sober since my last slip up and have gathered all resources to back me up and steady me us much as possible, now just to ready myself.

I am experiencing withdrawals nothing significant but it came to my attention today after having my follow-up with the counselor from the treatment program. I was completely honest and she asked me a few questions and yes, it’s been five days since my terror and my bodies still reacting and playing funny. Another realization that shook me, man I don’t want to go there again.

A shitty ass smack in the face but maybe one I needed, I just can not drink. I got too casual thinking maybe I could casually have a beer, what’s having a few here and there, what’s drinking within a ‘safe’ ( my definition of ‘safe’, turns out no such thing ) environment. All excuses and it just escalated. I have to just remember, fucking remember I am not the type who can drink, I can not, I can not have one. Next I was drinking 8 packs by myself at home, downplaying how many nights a week I was doing this and then the odd night sneaking out to friends and then the big blunder when I went out. All roads lead to the same fucking place. The only difference is how much I can get away with, in what amount of time, so I needed this I guess.

I am a high risk drinker, I will pursue dangerous activities and engage in dangerous activities, I black out every time, I am high emotion and I don’t give a fuck about anything, I am a drunk opportunist and depending on my emotions and what pleasure I’m pursuing being I know this before I begin drinking or it occurs to me later on, which is even scarier. If the opportunity doesn’t come to me I will find the opportunity. This all equals out for pain, shame, guilt, regret, self loathing and eventually I’ll be looking at some pretty fucking real consequences I have no doubt. It boggles my mind that I haven’t hit some harder grounds already, but a sweet guy in treatment explained to me that I’m still here for a reason, I haven’t faced those consequences for a reason, someone’s looking over me, Im not much of a believer in anything, but whatever, whoever, thank you. I don’t want to be that woman, I don’t want to be that mother. I don’t want to wake up ten years from now and have lost everything I’ve worked for and have a trail of regret and pain that no amount of therapy can clean up.

I am not a casual drinker, I maybe can do it for so long, but eventually it’ll become more and it won’t take long. I’ve been out TWO months for F sakes, September 15th was actually my two month mark. It started out casual, next I was buying six packs to bring home, than eight, last was twelve before I fucked up huge. That’s pretty fucking fast.

So…I know the last few days the alcohols been draining out of me, I know I’m going to start craving. I find it easy not to drink right after because I’m still hung over or living down the hell I created, the booze is still pulsating through me, keeping the calling calm. But that’s all passing, today I’m feeling shaky and a headache I’ve been sweating out the last five days like a fucking pig and I know I’m going to be hit soon with cravings, I’ve already had the urge but it’s still close enough to the last incident to keep me under check, need to keep my reasons why not to fresh, as the anxiety and self made hell wear off. I need to stay armed and focused. Keep fighting, I’m done, done, done, fuck this shit.

Reasons NOT TO DRINK EVER AGAIN NOT EVEN ONE

– Losing my daughter/ devastating my daughter/ Being a role model

– Hurting/ killing someone/ killing myself

– Going to jail/ Going to the Hospital

– Doing drugs/ Sex

– Humiliations of ALL kinds!!

– Making choices I wouldn’t otherwise make; because I don’t give a fuck and that’s a dangerous state of mind

– Things coming up that weren’t preplanned at the start of drinking the could change it from a ‘safe’ to ‘high risk’ occasion

– It’s progressive; I’ll want more. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow but eventually it’ll escalate

– My behaviors drinking are progressive as well, how many more moral lines do I want to cross ?

– My emotions are all over the fucking map ! Alcohol amplifies that shit. I know this !!

– Money, I’m not Hollywood stop texting and check my bank account instead

Before I drink, THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS FIRST

 – I’m a recovering alcoholic whose been to treatment, STOP FUCKING AROUND, I’m not a kid anymore, this isn’t cute, this isn’t funny. Remember the people you’ve known and lost, this is life, YOUR life.

– I have a daughter who needs me, I’d never recover from that loss, I’d never recover from hurting her. I know this!

– All the things I’ve EVER done while intoxicated… EVER! Start from 14 yrs old and work up, that should do me some good.

– All the anxiety and depression alcohol has brought me, every story I’ve had to live down

– All the consequences I’ve ALREADY had to face and think of all the consequences yet to come if I don’t STOP NOW

– I’ll love myself in the morning if I don’t drink

Things to look forward too, If I STOP NOW

– Having a clear head and a clear conscious

– Being an involved, present, awesome mom!

– Never having to worry about custody issues with my daughter

– Knowing I did everything I could, and I rocked that shit

– I’ll be reliable, present, and in the moment

– Having control, not being controlled by a substance

– Being able to get out of bed and deal with issues, there will always be shit but I’ll be able to manage them

– Not being sick all the time from drinking and smoking too much, staying up too late, taking meds improperly, fucking up my immune system

– Everything not feeling like a choir, because of all the above, I can focus, I can deal, I can worry about other areas of my life other than my addictions

– Feeling healthy and alive

I’m sure I could make these list go on and on, but I needed something to reference back too, my ammo. I’m ready, these cravings, the mental torture is coming, I’ll be here writing , reading, THERAPY, DRUG AND ALCOHOL COUNSELING ( BLESS YOU ), taking my meds, taking care of myself and ready to fight back, fuck you alcohol and fuck me.

ITS ON.

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